I Can't Live With Myself Today
by Crazy-Ninja-Chick
Summary: Slight spoilers for Aliyah and Truth or Consequences, Gibbs is Dead or is he? Jibbs Jibbs Jibbs


**Okay so here is another Jibbs fic that I wrote. Gosh my plot bunny is really liking Jibbs as of late. Oh well maybe I should actually right an actual chapter fic about the two cause this is just a song fic. Oh well, there is spoilers only if you haven't seen Aliyah or Truth or Consequences, if you haven't seen those well you should get caught up. **

**Usual Disclaimer applies but my birthday is Saturday so Maybe I will get them but until then the song belongs to Skillet.**

**I Can't Live With Myself Today**

_Hey Lucy, I remember your name  
I left a dozen roses on your grave today  
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away  
I just came to talk for a while  
I got some things I need to say_

The warm summer sun heated Gibbs skin as he walked through the narkers looking for one in particular. He carried a dozen roses, one half black and the other half red, per Abbys request. He found the stone he was looking for and kneeled down in the grass next to it, ignoring the dirt stains that ould surely mark his pants up. He softly wiped the leaves away and reveled the name of the firery redhead, housed benenth, he smirked when he remembered the glare she would throw at him when he said that, although you could always see a little glimmer of happiness in her eyes. He placed the roses next to her name and ran his fingers overthe delicitly etched words in stone, the words he engraved for her. He had asked to do her headstone and when he got permission he did his best work for her.

"Hey Jenny it is me again, decided to stop by and talk to you, I gotta lot of things on my mind. I brought some flowers for you, half are from Abby. She told me to tell you she is sorry she couldn't be here, Vance has us all working overtime and I even had to use a coffee run to get here. We have a major problem now Jen and we need your help to fix it. Well you see Tony killed Micheal Rivkin, a Mossad operitive and Zivers boyfriend. We had to travel to Israel to talk with Director David and he convinced, well I am pretty sure he threatened Ziva into staying back. The last we heard she was on a freiter that sank off the coast of Somilia and there were no survivors. I know Ziva and she could have survived, is she alive? Is she safe or are the two of you listening together, talking like you used to over lunch. Some answers that I could tell everyone would be nice. McGee hasn't been the same since we found out she was dead, Tony- God Tony has been running on autopilot since. Abby is really pissed at me because I din't xonvence Ziva to come back, but I couldn't have she would not have listened. They need her back, I need her back, I-I need you."

_Now that it's over  
I just wanna hold her  
I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking  
back at me  
Now that it's over  
I just wanna hold her  
I've gotta live with the choices i made  
And I can't live with myself today_

" God Jen why did ya have to go? I know we decided there would be no out of the office relationship but all Iwanted and still want to do is hold you in my arms. Just to spend another night with you, to see your beautiful green eyes looking into mine, I'd give the world. The choice to let you in and to love you was not easy at first but it proved one of my best choices. After Shannon and Kelly I just got married to forget, but when I was with you I did not forget but you let me pictureher there and I know she would have lovd you. Trusting you, your judgmentcame natural. Leavig for Mexico was the hardest thing I did, I thought it was for the best but honestly I never stoppred thinking about you. I came back and you were angry, you hated me in a way. I know NCIS doesn't shut down when I left but my heart stopped when I didn't see you everyday. I made the choice not to run after you and drag you back to me in Paris. If I had maybe things would have been different, maybe you would have kids, maybe we would have a life together, maybe you wouldn't have died alone in that diner, you probably wouldn't have even been there. I know I have to live with all those but they will forever haunt me behind your beautiful smile. I cannot live with myself knowing what I did."

_Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday  
They said it'd bring some closure to say your name  
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance  
But all I got are these roses to give  
And they can't help me make amends_

__" Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Jenny. We had a small party yesterday for you. McGee, Tony and Abby said a few things but I couldn't bring myself to and neither could Duck, it hurt to much to talk about you in the oast tense. Last year Ziva said that although she has seenso much death yours had hit her the hardest, you were like a mother to her Jen, she still loves you. They told us that if we talked about you it might bring a little solace but I just couldn't. I can't really accept the fact that you are really gone, That this isn''t just a bad dream and when I wake up Ziver will be sitting at her desk, flirting with Tony and you won't come walking out of your office smiling up on that catwalk, overlooking your kingdom, It never gets easier you know. I see all the pictures of you-us andd it brings back memories and they hurt. Ziva has- had a picture of everone together that she always had on her desk. She made a copy and buried it with you and took the original to Israel with her. Jenny please tell me she is safe, talk to God and get him to bring her back to me-us. She is Family and I love her, although I would never say out loud, it goes unsaid but not unfelt, she is the daugthter I didn't get to have with Kelly. If I could go back in time I would and I wouldn't let you leave in Paris I wouldn't let Tony kill Micheal and then Ziva wouldn't have left. But you are gone and so is she. All I have are these roses to give you but they do absolutly nothng for me.

His phone starteed ringing, it was Tony saying Vance was looking for him and he needed to come back immediatly.

"I gotta go, Vance is calling me back, gosh I cannot stand the guy. I love you Jenny and I hpe to see you again soom."

He placed a small kiss to the flowers and then stood up, brushed his pants off and left. He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't notice himself stepping off the sidewalk and he didn't hear the loud honking before he was flying through the air and just before he hit the ground he uttered one single word.

"Jenny"

Then everything went black,.

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
I've never wanted anything so bad_

_Here we are for a brand new start_

_Living the life that we could've had_

Jethro opened his eyes and found himself in the directors office but it was completely turned his head and smiled, insted of the usual toothpick pointing at him there was a beautiful face surrounded by a flame of red hair.

" Jenny/"

"Hello Jethro."

He stood up and went over to the desk and hugged her tightly, relishing the feeling of her in his arms, memorising every curve of her body against his, so he would always remember it. She hugged him back tightly and inhaled the smell of Gibbs, storing it in her memory nbecause he wouldn't be staying very long, not if she had anything to do with it. He pulled back and stared into her eyes.

" What happened to me Jen?"

" You were hit by a semi, you are not dead yet."

" Yet?"

" You are in the midle of Life and death, you have a decision to make Jethro, you can either go back and live the rest of your life or you can stay here with me andwe would go on to Heaven together."

He smiled, finally he could be with her forever.

" Before you make up your mind there are two things I need to show you, The first is the team and Ducky and the second is Ziva, she will be the only one who will be able to hear and see us."

" Why?"

" You will see now lets go."

_Me and Lucy walking hand in hand  
Me and Lucy never wanna end  
Just another moment in your eyes  
I'll see you in another life  
In heaven where we never say goodbye_

Jethro toook her hand and neither missed the spark of electricity that had passed through them, She looked up at him and smiled.

"Ready?"

"Where is the team at? Do they know?"

" Yes they know they are at Bethesda."

In a second they were at ICU in Bethesda, Gibbs saw Abby clutching a hand, his hand and McGee was holding her. Tony was sitting next to the bed and Ducky was behind him with his hands on his shoulders,.

" He will be fine no need to worry."

Abby looked up at Ducky, tears streaming down her face.

" This is his 3rd coma Ducky, don't make promises you can't keep."

McGee oulled her close to him as she started to Sob again and rubbed her back, whispering softly in her ear.

" Abbs we can't think like that we need to stay positive, It is Gibbs after all."

Tony looked up at McGee and then over where Gibbs and Jenny were standing, almost as if he could see them.

"Its not just Gibbs Probie, He is the father we never had, he kicks are asses at times but it is because he cares. "

Gibbs and Jen bith smirked at the truth in his words. Jen took Gibbs hand and they were suddenly in a dusty cell with one barred window that let in light. In the middle was a woman tied to a chair, and in front of her there was a man who was beating her so badly where there was blood spraying across the room, but she did not scream.

" Jen could I-"

" yeah she won't feel anything when he hits her, I've done it a few times before."

Gibbs ran to Ziva and covered her with his body as much as he could. Soon the man left and he moved off her and she looked up at him shocked.

"Gibbs no you cannot be dead."

Jenny stepped into her line of viion and Ziva looked at her expectingly.

" No Jethro is not dead yet, he has to make that decision still."

" Why is he here then, why does he care."

" Of course I care Ziva why wouldn't I?"

" You left me in Israel, you did not even try to stop me from staying, i believe you want me gone."

" I did and still care about you Ziver. I knew it wasn't your choice to stay and that my attempts would have been futile."

Jenny leaned over and hugged Ziva the best she could and then Gibbs watched as the two talked.

" So Jenny are you gonna tell me why Ziva can see and hear us?"

" Ah yes, Ziva has almost died, twice before. Once in that explosion in Moracco and the second about a week ago. The first time coming back was a no brainer to come back."

Ziva coughed, a little blood staining her chapped lips and then looked up at Gibbs.

" The second time I almost stayed with Jen. I wanted to die, I mean who would want to come back to this hurt? Then she showed me NCIS and how all of you reacted to the news of my pressumed death and I knew I couldn't leave you all like that. I had given up all hope of rescue but I do not want you all to put yourselves in harms way for me, I have made peace with myself and God. I am ready to die Gibbs."

Gibbs looked at the once strong but now broken woman in front of him and sighed.

" What happened to never being captured alive?"

She smiled at him and made a noise that sounded like a laugh.

"Plans change Gibbs."

" Why are you here Ziva?"

" I was sent to finish Micheals mission and it turned out to be a suicide mission.I was captured and here I have been for the past 3 months. If you stick around long enough you will see where my loyaltylies."

" Do I need to-"

" No he only kicks my ass opnce a day so he is just gonna ask me questions."

Gibbs nodded and Then the man came in .He pulled a chair in front of Ziva and sat down.

' So Ziva you are Israeli correct?"

"Yes."

' Mossad Israeli inteligence but American NCIS Liason?"

' Yes"

" Now Ziva you know I am not a fan of the one word answer."

" And-??"

Gibbs smiled, even facing death Ziva was a firey Spirit.

" What does NCIS want with a killer?"

" I am not a killer anymore I am an investigator.:"

" Tell me what you know about NCIS?"

Ziva remained silent and Gibbs smiled, he knew she wouldn't give them up. Jenny taped his shoulder and he knew it was time. He leaned over and kissed Zivas Cheek.

" I will be back for you."

He took Jennys hand and they were back in the white office.

" So Jethro have you made up your mind?"

" Yes I have and I want to go back and save Ziva and thank the team for all there support."

Jenny smiled and went over to him and pulled him into the biggest hug she had ever given anyone. He pulled back and smiled at her.

"I love you Jenny I can not wait to come back."

Jenny knows if she wasn't dead she would have blushed.

I love you to but don't come back too soon."

he leaned down and kissed her softly and tangled his fingers in her hair, she kissed him back. When they broke apart he placed nother kiss to her forehead. "Goodbye Jethro."

" Bye Love."

_Here we are, now you're in my arms  
I've never wanted anything so bad_

_Here we are for a brand new start_

_Living the life that we could've had_

Gibbs eyes fluttered open and abby went wide eyed and Tony called for a doctor. They rushed in and checked his vitals, fixed the IV and then said he would be fine. Abby was the first to speak up after the stunned silence.

" Oh My God Gibbs are you okay? well of course you are not okay you were just hit by a really big truck but other then-"

" Ziva we have to save ziva. NOW!"

NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS NCIS

BANG!!!!!

Gbbs hit Saleem right in the head and watched him drop. Another man tried to get to his team but he shot him to. He ran as fast as he could to the cell and shot one more man as he was coming around the corner. He watched as Tony and McGee carried Ziva around the corner, his team was finally back.

" Lets go home."

Gibbs felt somthing touch his shoulderand he turned to see Jenny smiling at him She leaned over and kissed his lips softly before smiling over at Ziva

" Good Job Jethro."

Theyt looked over at Ziva, finally she was home.

_\Me and Lucy walking hand in hand  
Me and Lucy never wanna end  
Got to live with the choices I've made  
And I can't live with myself today_

**10 years Later**

Gibbs, Ziva, Tony, abby and McGee woke together in the white directors office. To Gibbs and Ziva this wasn't knew but the rest of the team were shocked and looked around in awe. They looked at the desk and saw Jenny and Ducky sitting there. The old ME smiled at them all.

' Well hello, it is nice to see you all again, me and Jennifer have been watching you all."

`" let me say you all just ended up here very heroicaly but Jethro is the only one truely dead."

Everone but Ziva looked Shocked at her words, she went over and gave Gibbs a hug.

" Thank you for coming back and saving me."

" Your welcome Ziver, That is what Fathers do.

He walked over to Jenny and put his arm around her waist, she smiled and leaned into him.

" Now you all have a decision to make, you can either o back or you can stay here."

Abby hugged everyone then turned t Tim.

" i love you ll but I need to go back to our daughter Tim, Zoey is only 5."

" Well wherever you go I go so I am going back to.. They hugged everyone again and then they disappeaered together. ziva and tony looked at each other but before they could speak Ducky Interupted.

"Before either of you say you say you have nothing to live for, there is something you need to know."

Jenny walked over and hugged Ziva.

"you are pregnant with a baby girl Tony you are the father, she is due in 8 months."

tony reached over and placed his hand on Zivas stomach and Ziva placed her hand over came over and hugged the two of them.

" You ahave my blessing but if you hurt her DiNozzo I will haunt you and make your life hell."

Then he headslapped them both

"That was for breaking rule 12."

He then headslapped DiNozzo."

" Thats for knocking her up."

" Boss it takes two to tango and she seduced me and I am a hot blooded male of course I want-"

' Just shut up DiNozzo, just don't hurt her and always shw her how much she means to you."

He looked over at Jenny and she moved into his arms.

" You don't know when the last time you get the chance to will come around. '

Ziva hugged them all and then hand and hand the two dissappeared. Taking Jennys hand the three walked together to the new life where Goodbyes no longer existe and hapiness ruled.


End file.
